Be Careful What You Wish For
by LavenderCrystalOfRoses
Summary: After a fight with their Uncle, Fili and Kili wish that Thorin wouldn't yell at them and hold them back so much. They're about to get their wish...but are they going to like it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! I hope you enjoy this! Warning: Whump.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.R.R. Tolkien, the song belongs to Pussycat Dolls, and **_**Mobilus Corpus **_**belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

Fili and Kili were not happy. Not at all. Not in the very least.

So that's why they were sitting at the camp fire, unrepentant, arms crossed, scowls plastered on their faces in a most un-princely way. Dwalin passed by, started to say something, but thought better of it. They got their stew from Bombur, who cringed at the looks on their faces and quite happily moved on to Nori. No one sat next to them, Ori tried to, and was immediately sent off, cowering. And Thorin? Thorin wasn't much better off. No one could even _look _at the king, not even Dwalin, without getting a glare that sent everyone running for the hills.

To think it had all started over practically nothing!

* * *

><p><em>Kili bounded into the clearing. "C'mon!" He yells, all laughing authority, As the older members of the group and Fili follow after him. He puts his hands on his waist and, in his best imitation of Thorin, says, "Alright, Dwalin, go hunt for us-" <em>

_Dwalin rolls his eyes and mock-shoots at prey. "Gloin, you watch the ponies, and everyone will take turns watching camp, while _we_-we-" Kili frowns and ponders. Thorin, who's a bit miffed at having his position usurped by the brothers, calls to them, _

_"While you have your uncle keep a very close eye on you to keep you out of mischeif!" _

_Fili gets a demonic grin on his face and whispers in his younger brother's ear. Kili assumes the same grin and says, "While we keep a very close eye on uncle to keep him out of mischeif!" _

_They've touched a nerve. Thorin stands up, furious. Perhaps it was just the _thought _of having his nephews assume his position of authority and he assume theirs, or perhaps it was the tadpoles in his stew that morning, or perhaps it was because just that day He'd gotten lost...wandering in circles...around a bush...right next to the path. And was found by them. Most likely though it was all three put together. Either way, Fili and Kili have crossed a boundary. Thorin looms over them. _

_"Go help Bofur and Bombur with the camp fire. At least with that job it's quiet." Fili starts to go, sulking, but now Kili is miffed._

_"NO!" He yells at the top of his lungs._

_"What?"_

_"I said no, Uncle! You just can't admit that you're to stupid to understand a joke!"_

_Kili knows he's overreacting, but he doesn't care. _

_Fili can't just leave his brother to their Uncle's wrath like that._

_"Maybe you should just leave the humor to us. And the navigating." He taunts._

_The instant the words are spoken, they regret them. But it's too late for that._

_Thorin's blue eyes are stormy with rage._

_"Go! Go and start the campfire!"_

_"NO!"_

_"Fine. Go and muck the ponies, it's all you'll ever be good for."_

_"FINE!"_

_The three heirs of durin stomp off in different directions._

So that's why they're in foul moods right now.

There are no campfire tales and songs tonight.

Everyone eats their stew in silence.

Then they go to bed.

Thorin asks Dwalin, "What will I do with them?"

Dwalin mutters sleepily, "Whatever ye do, just don't strangle 'em. Dis wouldn't be very happy with ye."

Then his longtime friend falls asleep, leaving Thorin to his thoughts.

"What will we do with uncle, Kee?"

"I dunno, Fee." Kili murmurs, half asleep.

Fili stares up at the night sky. "Just once," He murmurs, "I wish that _we _could be the leaders, not uncle, and prove it to him."

"Wouldn't that be neat?" Kili whispers. "Though," He adds, "You do have to admit, he gave excellent piggy-back rides when we were younger."

"I guess."

_Thorin POV_

I woke up feeling much better from last night, though that doesn't stop me from glaring at them. They glare right back. Fili whispers something to Kili, and then they look at me, amused. Anger surges through me and I stomp over. How dare they? But a voice stops me.

"Thorin Oakensheild!" Calls Gandalf. I stomp over and invest my anger on him. He pretends not to notice, I swear, Gandalf really gets on my nerves sometimes.

"What is it, wizard?"

"Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in morning, sailor takes warning." Sure enough, the dawn is a bright red color.

"So?" I mutter, stalking over to my nephews.

"Wait!"

"What?" I turn around swiftly, to swiftly, for I trip over my own feet and fall. Gandalf rushes to steady me, but accidentally bonks his staff on my head. I whirl around before swirling into blackness.

When I wake up, the wizard is in my face. He says something, but I don't catch it. He said it too quick. I say, "Wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaatttttttt iiiiiiiisssssss iiiiiiittttttt? Ssssssssppppppppeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk ssssssssslllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwweeeeeeeerrrrrrrr..." but my voice sounds distorted. Oh blast, what has happened to me?

* * *

><p>"What happened to him?" Dwalin demanded after Thorin saying something very deep and...slow. Gandalf says nothing in response but leans down over the king, saying something like this.<p>

"Ttttrrrryyyy aaaannnndddd ggggeeeetttt uuuupppp Tttthhhhoooorrrrinn..." Gandalf says, trying to imitate Thorin's voice. Thorin puts his hand to his ear in slow motion. Gandalf has to repeat himself four times before Thorin understands and successfully gets up...very...verry..._very _slowly.

"Oh, Dear." Said Gandalf gravely.

"What do ye mean, oh dear?" asked Dwalin.

Gandalf sighed. "When I accidentally hit Thorin, the impact released magic, which, judging by it's effects, seems to be a spell used to freeze small, injured animals-something my fellow wizard Radagast thought up. He uses it to heal them more efficiently. In Thorin's case it seems to have trapped him in slow motion. There is no counter-spell, as it usually takes about 5 hours to wear off, but with Thorin definitely not being a small animal, it would probably take a lot longer. Anywhere from 5 to 10 days. "

"What if it takes longer then that?" Asks Gloin.

"Then," said Gandalf, "We have a problem."

Everyone is somber. Except for a certain pair of brothers.

"Why are you so upset? Now we-" begins Kili.

Balin, who had known the princes long enough to get a pretty good guess of what they were going to next, said, "Boys. Listen to me. I know that you're angry at your uncle, but for Mahal's sake, he's your uncle, and he's hurt. No matter what words were exchanged last night, that gives you no right to take advantage of _anyone's _misfortune. You've known Thorin since you were dwarflings."

Balin was angry. He still spoke softly and he did not lose control, but he was angry. "Now tell me: Has he ever abused you?"

"No, Balin."

"Were you mad at him before this ordeal?"

"No, Balin."

"Has he ever been cruel to you?"

"Not until last night."

"Will you remember your arguement in ten years?"

"Yes, Balin."

Balin rolled his eyes.

Dori spoke. "Wait. If it works for only five hours for _smaller _animals, wouldn't it take less time for Thorin to get back to normal?"

"You see, Dori, the disillment of magic through out the body varies for every species..."

Gandalf droned on for five full minutes."...and thus, the ratio between the potency and the duration allows for the time increase, but only slightly decreases the actual _effects_-"

"Alright, alright, we understand!" Said Gloin, putting up his hands.

"Very well..." Sighed Gandalf.

"Where's Thorin?" Asked Ori.

They turned to see Thorin seven feet away from them. "Thorin!" Called Balin.

Thorin slowly turned around. "Ccccccccooooooooommmmmmmmeeeeeee ooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn..."

"Oh! Of course!"

They set off, then Gandalf remembers Thorin and Says, "Mobilus Corpus!" Thorin's eyes widen as he floats into the air and trails them.

"IIIIIIII ccccccccaaaaaaaannnnnnnn wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaallllllllkkkkkkkk bbbbbbbbyyyyyyyy mmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy-"

Gandalf cuts him off. "Tttthhhhaaaatttt'ssss ttttrrrruuuueeee, bbbbuuuutttt yyyyoooouuuu'dddd kkkkeeeeepppp uuuussss ggggooooiiiinnnngggg aaaatttt aaaa ssssnnnnaaaaiiiillll'ssss ppppaaaacccceeee, " he responds, slowing his voice down for the dwarf king.

Thorin is obviously insulted, but doesn't argue.

"Wait! Who's our subsitute leader?" asked Gloin.

"Ooh! Ooh! We'll be!" Say Fili and Kili.

"No, lads, you're not experienced enough."

"We are too! Plus we're the heirs!"

"I know! Gandalf can be our substitute leader!"

"Good idea!"

"I third the nomination!"

"OK!"

"Errmmm...well...I suppose I could..." Gandalf stammered.

Bilbo cocked his head.

_Why does this seem so familiar?_

* * *

><p><em>"<em>_**Aye! Gandalf's probably killed hundreds of dragons in his life time!"**_

_**"How many dragons have you killed, Gandalf?"**_

_**"Errmmm...well..." Gandalf stammered.**_

* * *

><p>Bilbo facepalmed. This was going to be a long day indeed.<p>

_To Be Continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hullo, I'm back. Enjoy.**

Gandalf was a wizard. He knew about magic, the making of Arda, the other wizards, and several other impressive things. But one thing he did _not _know how to do was how to organize a company of 13 dwarves and a hobbit.

"So, Gandalf, what should we do?" Asked Bofur cheerfully.

"Oh! Well, get the camp set up..." Bofur rolled his eyes. "But who does what?"

"Oh! Well, you can start the campfire."

"OK."

"Bombur...you...you can take first watch."

"But-" Said Bombur, gaze lingering over the food and cooking supplies.

"Oin, you can cook."

"But..."

"Fili and Kili, Mr. Baggins, go and keep watch with Bombur-"

"Are you sure you want _them-"_

"And Then I'll tell you who watches next!"

Finally, Fili, Kili, Bombur, and Bilbo resign to thier task, Bombur shooting a glare at Oin, who looks quite lost.

Bofur gets his campfire done alright, so that's done, but Oin is clearly struggling with the stew.

* * *

><p>Hey Kili, Lookit me!"<p>

Fili has managed to roll one eye backwards.

"Oh yeah? Watch this!" Kili rolled both eyes entirely back, showing only the whites.

"Kili! That's disgusting! Help me watch the ponies!" Bilbo reprimanded.

"I'll be right back." Said Bombur, getting up.

Kili puts his eyes in normal position helps Bilbo for about two minutes, Before Fili wonders, "Hey, where's Bombur?"

"I''ll go get him." Said Bilbo.

"I'll go with you." Said Kili.

They left Fili and the ponies and headed for camp.

* * *

><p>Bombur and Oin were arguing.<p>

"No, No, No, No! Are you daft? Cinnamon. Doesn't. Go. With. Lamb."

"Eh?" Responds Oin, Getting his ear trumpet.

"CINNAMON DOESNT GO WITH LAMB!" Bombur spoke loudly, out of annoyance as will as making himself heard.

"Ow! No need to get loud."

"Well, It doesn't!"

"But Lamb gives people indigestion, and cinnamon-"

"Wait, no it does't."

"Always Gives Gloin wind."

That stopped Bombur in his tracks. "It gives him what?"

Oin repeated himself, loud enough for the entire camp to hear, "Lamb gives Gloin wind!"

Gloin looked mortified.

"What is that?" Asked Bombur as Oin tossed something else into the pot.

"Rose hips!"

"_That does't go with lamb!" _

"But roses smell so good..."

"What does it do anyway, cure _wind_?"

"No, No, No! It protects you from illnesses, you idiot!"

"_Idiot?! _Who was trying to mix _cinnamon _with _lamb_?"

Gandalf also looked quite lost.

"Oh _Glo-o-oin!" _

"Care for some _lamb_?"

"Be quiet, Kili!"

Fili grabbed some lamb from the supplies and shoved in Gloin's face.

"Lay off!" Gloin yelled at Fili.

Bilbo froze.

"Wait, if I'm not watching the ponies, and Bombur's not watching the ponies, and Fili and Kili aren't- uh-oh."

Gandalf has found his voice and yells out-"HOLD!"

Everyone stopped and looked at him.

"I pass leadership to Balin." says Gandalf,

Thorin asks,

"Wwwwwwwoooooooouuuuuuuullllllldddddddd ssssssssoooooooommmmmmmmeeeeeeeeoooooooonnnnnnnneeeeeeee eeeeeeeeexxxxxxxxxpppppppppllllllllaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn wwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaatttttttt iiiiiiiissssssss ggggggggoooooooooiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg oooooooonnnnnnn?"

"Come again?"

Thorin repeated himself.

"Oh..." Says Dwalin, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Nnootthhiinngg mmuucchh." He says, trying to slow down as much as the wizard.

Thorin was extremely doubtful about that, even more so when an errant pony charged through the camp.

Everyone dove out of the way. Dwalin grabbed Thorin and pulled him to safety. The pony swerved into the undergrowth, then they heard it galloping back to the pastures.

"Heh, heh. Whoops. Daisy must've gotten loose. Or is that Myrtle? I'd better go check. Daisy? Myrtle?" With that, Dwalin chases after the pony.

"Erm, well, yes. Umm, Bombur, you can go back to cooking-" Balin said.

Bombur shoves aside Oin and grabs his utenils. "Oin, you and I can help Dwalin round up the ponies, and Bilbo, Gloin, help Thorin if he needs to get anything quickly."

Bilbo's eyes widen. "You're asking _us _to _help _Thorin?" He squeaks. "He'll bite our heads off!"

"In slow motion!" Adds Gloin, glancing at the king.

Balin follows Gloin's gaze. Thorin notices and looks at them suspisciously.

Balin sighed. "Listen, you're the best people for the job. I need to go help My brother and Oin catch the ponies, Fili and Kili would get distracted, Dori needs to look after his brothers-"

"Oh, please," says Gloin, watching Dori smothering Ori in scarves and blankets, and Ori sending them a pleading look.

"My point exactly." Said Balin. "And Bofur is helping Bombur, and Bifur's in his own little world."He said, with a look at the latter, who was staring intensely into the flames. They can't argue with that, and Balin is the substitute leader after all, so they reluctantly walk over to Thorin. Thorin pointedly ignores them.

* * *

><p>Balin, Dwalin, and Oin return from getting the ponies, covered in grass strains. Wisely, no one mentioned the daisies that are tangled in Dwalin's beard. "Well," Said Dwalin, "At least it can't get any worse."<p>

Thunder boomed.

Everyone took shelter in their bedrolls from the pouring rain.

Gandalf repeated, "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in morning, sailor takes warning."

**A/N: Well...looks like Bilbo was right. Next chapter should be up by friday!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello there! Here is chapter three! *Bows with a flourish***

The next day, the rain had let up, so they pack up thier things and move along. Thorin still insists he can walk by himself. Gandalf does not listen, and floats him into the air. They trudge along like any normal day, and stop for lunch at noon. As their wrapping up, Balin walks over to Fili and Kili.

"Why don't you go over and interact with him?" He asks.

"Balin, he said the only thing we'd ever be good for-"

"And _you _called him stupid. It's time to make ammends." That's that, so they saunter over to their uncle, who's still eating.

"Hi, Uncle. Do you feel any faster today?"

"Is the magic wearing off yet?"

"Ssssssslllllllooooooowwwwwww...dddddddooooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnn..."

"Oh, right. Ddoo yyoouu ffeeell ffaasstteerr?"

Thorin tells them to slow down more, and when it's slow enough, he answers, no, he does not.

"Aaarrreee yyyooouuu sssuuurrreee?"

"Yyyyyyyeeeeeee-"

Kili cuts him off impatiently, saying, "What?"

"IIIIII-"

"Look, just answer the question!"

They repeat the question to him, and this time he responds with slow head shaking and nods.

They continue to badger him, until Thorin tells them, in slow motion, to go away.

Fili and Kili walk back over to Balin. "He told us to leave."

"Oh, you boys."

They're not sure whether he's counting Thorin as one of 'them boys.'

* * *

><p><em>Thorin POV<em>

They're waiting for me to finish eating, I know. The particularly speedy blur that I'm guessing is my nephews continuously are saying things like, "Hupuckle!Caw!Caw!" I don't understand that, which maddens me to no end.

Balin leans in and says slow enough for me to hear properly, "Can you try and pick up the pace?" Believe me, I would if I could. I am glad to give the bowl to Bombur and be on my way. The wizard says something that sounds like, "Moseecose!" And Whoof! I'm floating again.

"Llllllleeeeeeettttttt...mmmmmmmeeeeeee...dddddddooooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnn..." I beg.

Gandalf shakes his head.

Just because I've slowed down a bit doesn't mean I can't walk!

"IIIIII...Cccccccaaaaaaannnnnnn...wwwwwwwaaaa-"

"But you-Fine. Let's see you walk."

_Yes!_

Whatever magic that's holding me up drops me. I try to steady myself, but I'm to slow and fall. I get up slowly to see them walking off.

"Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaiiiiiiittttttt..." I call out. Gandalf says loudly, slow enough for me, but fast enough for them, "Come-on-everyone-don't-mind-Thorin-didn't-you-hear-him-he-doesn't-need-any-help!"

I struggle after them, but I can't catch up. I try running. Forget running. For running, you need to be, well, fast. They have soon disappeared from sight. I slowly clench my fists. They can't just leave me! I'm their leader! I'd charge them with treason! If I can ever make my way out of here.

* * *

><p>Fili and Kili are free to skip about all they like without Thorin calling out to tell them get a handle on themselves. They don't realize this for a while. When they do, Kili asks, "Fee, Gandalf wouldn't <em>really <em>just leave Thorin behind would he?"

"I dunno, Kee." There is worry in Fili's tone. They go to ask Gandalf about it, but Balin's beat them to it. They hear Gandalf saying,

"You heard him. He can walk by himself." Fili and Kili exchange a glance. Had Gandalf finally lost his marbles?

* * *

><p><em>Thorin<em>

I lean against a tree to catch my breath. Even though I'm slower, I seem to tire out more quickly.

Well, isn't that ducky.

I slowly push off from the tree and prepare to continue my long walk.

"Well, Well, Thorin, you seem to have fallen a bit behind." Says a voice above me.

Gandalf! I turn my head toward him. "Would you like a lift?"

"Yyyyyyyooooooouuuuuuu...-

"Come now, Thorin. The others are waiting."

He-he-that Wizard-

"Ffffffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee.."

I say, dragging out the word even more than it normally would be.

Gandalf saw Thorin's death stare and briefly wondered if he would regret this later. He shrugged and magicked Thorin into the air.

* * *

><p>Fili and Kili are somewhat relieved to see their uncle and Gandalf heading toward them. "Uncle! Unc-" then they see the look on his face. They quickly hurry away. Slow motion or not,you just <em>don't <em>talk to Thorin Oakenshield when he's wearing _that _look.

**A/N: I feel so bad for Thorin! *sniffle* He's already gone through three chapters of this, and Chapter 4 is going to be very...**_**Whumpy... **_** you and Thorin have been warned.**

**P.S. From a normal speed perspective, 'Hupuckle!Caw!Caw!' Sounds like 'Hurry up Uncle! C'mon! C'mon!'**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, here's chapter four. Let's see what the company is up to now. **

The next Day, they reach a settlement.

"Aah! Civilization!" Said Balin. He sets about making a list of supplies they need.

"Oh! Oh! Can I look at the shops?" Begged Kili.

"Me too!" Agreed Fili.

"No Boys, I need you to look after your uncle."

"_Look after Thorin_?"

"He'll bite our heads off if he gets wind of this!"

It's an almost exact replay of Bilbo and Gloin's arguments.

"Listen, you two, I know you're disappointed, but _someone _has to do it."

"Why us-ooohhh." The clearing is deserted except for them.

"Look, it's not that hard. Just offer to keep him company and lead him over to a bench or something."

"If you say so."

"Just don't blame us when Thorin bites our heads off."

Balin smiled. "Very funny. Now don't you have a task to do?"

* * *

><p>So that's how Fili and Kili wind up sitting on a bench with their Uncle. Their heads are still attached.<p>

That's when Fili saw them.

He nudges Kili.

They speak slowly to Thorin: "Hey...Thorin...some...lasses...neesd...T...L...F."

"Tttttt...Llllll...Ffffff?"

Stressing each syllable slowly, Fili explains, "Tender Loving Flirting!"

Thorin's left eyebrow slowly rose up his forehead.

"So, umm. Bye!" Fili and Kili leave.

* * *

><p>Fili and Kili saunter over to the lasses. "Hey there, gorgeous," Fili says to a greasy lass with straggly hair and a large, bulbous nose. She swoons and bats her eyelashes at him.<p>

Fili smirks.

* * *

><p>It is not after 2 and a half hours pass (Though he had no way of knowing it) that Thorin decided to go and round up his nephews. Slow or not, it's his job to look after them. He pushed himself off the bench and examines at the speedy blur around him.<p>

Is that a blond head he sees? He walked over. No, not Fili.

As he wandered the streets in slow motion, Thorin felt himself attracting stares. He tries to speed up.

Now where could those two have gone? Time passes. It is only then when Thorin realizes that there are boys nearby...but they're not Fili and Kili.

They're moving at normal speed...wait...then they'd have to be going slower then normal... _They're mocking me! _Thorin feels a surge of anger and changed his course toward them. A blonde Man child, hair cut short, walked up to him in a slow-zombie-style. He says something to quick for Thorin to hear and his friends laugh.

They are laughing at him. They are _laughing _at _him_. Thorin opens his mouth to tell them just _who _they're picking on.

Big mistake.

"Ffffffoooooorrrrrr..." he starts.

The children double over laughing at the sound of his slowed down voice.

"Lookit me! My name is Mo and I'm sllooooowwww..." The boy mimiced.

"Is your name Mo..."

He said in an exageration of Thorin's voice.

Now furious, Thorin shook his head.

"Wweelll...it suits you better." He slurs.

"My name is Bailey." The boy adds, grinning cruelly.

"Kirk!" Bailey yells, pointing at Thorin.

A tall, skinny boy jerked at something on Thorin's side.

_My sword!_

He lunges for it, in slow motion, but the boy called Kirk easily skips out of reach.

"Toolotooslomo!" He shouted gleefully.

There is a time for fight, and a time for flight. Thorin knows that. To his credit, he tries to leave. But Gravity and slow motion meet...Thorin stumbles and hits the ground. Bailey says in that mocking slur,

"Stan! Bruce! Hold him!"

Four hands pin him to the ground.

"Sterling! Benny! Pin his legs!"

They say in a soft, low, slow, chant,

"Sic him Bailey. Sic him Bailey. Sic the slow mo. Sic the slow mo."

Thorin struggles, but he is out speeded and outnumbered. He closes his eyes.

Then come the kicks and the punches. A pair of hands tightens around his neck.

_So this is how I die, _he thought miserably. _Not in valiently slain in battle, nor peacefully of old age, but bludgeoned to death by a group of immature bullies who have no idea who they ar taunting._

Thorin desparately fights back in slow-motion...

* * *

><p>Dwalin was carrying a large bag of flour to the agreed meeting place. Then Fili and Kili crash into him .<p>

"Dwalin! Have you seen Thorin?"

"Isn't he with you?"

"No! We , uh, had to get a drink at the, uh, fountain, and then he was gone!" Dwalin doubts that that was the reason they left, but there is not time for that. They have a dwarf to find.

* * *

><p>They have no luck until...<p>

A crowd of man-children caught Dwalin's attention, surrounding something Dwalin can't see. _What is going on? _Then he hears them shouting, "Slow mo! No go!"

It only takes a split second for Dwalin to understand.

Rage hotter then Smaug's flames consumes him. He drops the flour, unsheaves both axes, And with a warcry, he charges. At the sight of the furious axe-weilding dwarf warrior, Bailey, Kirk, Bruce, Stan, Sterling, and Benny scream like little girls and make themselves scarce.

"Cowards." Says Dwalin.

He pulls Thorin up and shakes him by the shoulders.

"Are you OK? Did they hurt you?"

And then Fili and Kili are hugging him, sobbing, "This is all our fault! We should never have left! We're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry!" Thorin, overwhelmed, awkwardly pats his nephews on the back.

"Dwalin! There you- what happened?" Balin demands as he takes in the scene: Bruised Thorin, tearful Fili and Kili, and still incensed Dwalin.

"They-they-" Dwalin sputters.

"They were bad!" Say Fili and Kili. Balin looks at Thorin, who pretends to study a lamp post, and sighes in defeat.

"Alright, let's try this again when everyone's calmed down a bit. Come on." As they walk back to camp, slowing down for Thorin, who refused to be carried or helped in any way. Dwalin picks up Orcrist from where the boys dropped it.

"Here." Thorin fastens it to his belt.

* * *

><p>Dwalin was furious.<p>

They had humiliated, harrased, bullied, teased, and ganged up on his king. His best friend, his cousin-king! They dared do that to a _king_! Just because of a little enchantment that hasn't warn off yet. Dwalin growls. Someone nudges his back. "WHAT THE #$% DO YOU WANT?!" He roared. Nori jumps ten feet into the air.

"S-sorry, D-D-Dwalin. I-I-I d-did-dn't see you there." As soon as Nori leaves, Dwalin checks his arsenal of throwing knives. Sure enough, another one's missing. Dwalin feels a prickle of annoyance towards the other dwarf, but knows that Nori's nothing compared to what he's going to do to those boys if he ever meets up with them again...

* * *

><p>Fili and Kili felt guilty.<p>

"Why did we have to go flirt with the girls?" Moans Fili.

"I hope he's not hurt too bad." Whispers Kili, watching Oin check Thorin over.

"We were idiots."

"No, brother. We were ignorant, which is worse."

"True..."

That night, no one gets to sleep until well past midnight.

**A/N: Yeah...very Whumpy. Well, gotta go. Must write chapter 5 and go into hiding from all the people who are probably out to get me after reading this. *Peeps out from behind rock*.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Here is chapter 5! **

Fili had gotten his hair tangled in branches again.

"Ow!" He grumbled as he pulled it free. Kili snickered, then yelped as a bramble scratched his arm.

Balin called, "I think I see a clear path!" Fili and Kili pushed through the brush and saw what Balin was pointing at.

"Alright! No more brush!" Said Kili, looking at what Balin was pointing at. He and Fili and Balin were all covered with scratches, sweat, and probably a lot of poison oak. He smiled. Thorin was speeding up, Balin had gotten a bit better at his temporary job, and they were making good headway.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

As they pushed their way around manzanita bush, they heard a loud crackling of leaves of leaves and a cry of pain.

"Balin!" Fili yelled. They hurried in the direction of the yell and found Balin clutching his right leg in agony.

"Are you OK?"

"Tripped-fell-my-leg..." Fili tries to get Balin to lean on him, but Balin will not. When they get back to camp, Dwalin rushes over.

"Are you-"

"Fear not, brother. I just got a little-injured..."

Thorin slowly walks over. "Wwwhhhaaattt...hhhaaapppeeennneeeddd...?"

"II..aammm...ffiinnee..." Balin responds, even when Balin slows down his voice you can tell he's in pain. Oin has him sit down.

"Dislocated." He reports, examination. He relocates the leg and bandages it, and they make their way through the path, though Balin has to stop and rest several times. By lunch time, it is clear that Balin is not fit for walking, no matter how much he insists otherwise.

"Balin. Use. The. Crutch."

"I will be alright, Oin."

"You're limping!"

"Gandalf, I am just trying to rest it a-"

"It's clear you're in pain. Don't try to hide it." Cuts in Oin.

Gandalf adds, "And if you don't use this crutch, it may never heal properly!"

That gets Balin's attention.

"Very well. But I am only doing this so you will not worry about me."

Gandalf rolls his eyes. "Mahal save me from the stubbornness of dwarves."

Balin takes the crutch and starts to limp away, when Oin calls, "Wait, there's one other thing..."

Balin heads over to Fili and Kili.

"Fili, Kili on the insistance of Oin, I need some helpers to keep the company organised. You two can use the experience."

"Sure!"

"You can count on us!" They say, nodding and grinning confidently. _Did I choose the wrong dwarves for this? _Balin wonders. He shakes his head._ It'll be fine, _He decides. _I can keep an eye on them. And Valar knows they could use some experience._

Though, just to be on the safe side, he also asks Dwalin.

**A/N: So, how well do you think the Durin brothers will do? Are Balin's concerns valid?(Definitely) Will Dwalin be enough keep a handle of Fili and Kili?(Only time will tell) Is this story nearing its end? (Unfortunately) Stay tuned! :D :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: To make up for the very long wait, you will be getting two chapters in a row, this being the second!**

"Fili, Fili, Fili..." Fili turns over.

"Mmmm...just acouple more minutes, Amad..."

Dwalin chuckles and lifts up the cover. "Time to get up, lad."

Fili blinks his eyes open and gets up. "But it's so early..."

"You're helpin' Balin and I, lad, remember? C'mon."

Kili is not so easy to waken. "Errmm..." He mutters as he is shaken. Hard.

Balin shakes his head in disaproval, looking at the pile of scrolls nearby. "Kili..."

"I'm awake!" Kili yelped, shoving the papers under his bedroll. "So, heh-heh, you needed something?"

"Yes. Come on, we need to check the ponies."

The ponies are in fairly good shape...

Goldenrod whuffles loudly.

"Oh! Sorry Goldenrod, what do you want?"

* * *

><p>Kili runs from Goldenrod to camp, grumbling. "Honestly!" He complains to Bofur. "What pony needs their <em>ear-hairs <em>combed just so?"

"Aye, but she's not tha' bad, once ev'rythin's just right for her." Bofur shrugs, knowing exactly which one Kili is talking about.

Kili nods and bumps promptly into Balin. "Alright, come on, let's get moving."

"OK!"

They get moving and make good ground, though they must jog to make up for lost time.

Kili falls back and can't resist but yell to Thorin, who is, as he has been for the past six days, levitated and floating, "Hhooww's tthhee aaiirr uuppp tthheeiirr?" Thorin gives him a look in response.

Jogging may be faster, but it's certainly more tiresome, and they stop and take a rest hours before lunch. Kili takes the time to paw through his miserably disorganized pack.

"Kili! No time for that!" Balin admonishes.

"Huh? Waah!" The company is moving again.

"Now, I want you to take head-count."

"O-ok."

Everyone is there, but the extra responsibilities piled on is exhausting.

_Lunch_

"So then, Bombur and Nori started arguing, and I had to break that up, and then Petunia wanted some extra hay and kept chewing on the sacks, so I let her, and then _Balin_ gave me a mighty scolding for overfeeding her, and then Dwalin wanted to give me self-defense at the same time Ori wanted me to help him translate some of his documents-"

"And it's only noon, too!"

"I know." Fili is equally exhausted.

"Well, *sigh* let's see what Balin wants now."

But Balin is nowhere to be found.

"Ahh, there ye are!" Says Dwalin. Fili takes a few steps back. Kili groans.

"Where's Balin?"

"Gee, I dunno." Shrugs Fili.

"Why?" Asks Kili.

"He wanted to scout ahead. So I said, 'no, not on that leg'. But Balin-" He leans over and whispers,

"Don't tell a soul, but sometimes I believe that Balin is more stubborn then Thorin, and he says he's going going to scout and that's that, but I say, no, I'll send Fili and Kili to do it, so he says, fine, send Fili and Kili, so I went all the way over to you, and that brother of mine slips off."

"You want us to find him." Kili interprets.

"Yes, I'll go with you and Balin will help Fili-" He pauses. "Err...You'll both go with me."

"You don't trust us to look after camp? We're so wounded, Dwalin!"

"The camp will be fine for a couple minutes." But Dwalin knows what can happen when camp is unattended a couple moments.

"Fili, watch camp." Dwalin prays that Fili's 5 senior years will allow to make good decisions, "DON'T make ANY unnecessessary orders, and if you need help, ask Gandalf."

"But Gandalf-"

"Is okay so long is it's not longterm leadership. Come Kili! Balin could be anywhere!"

With that Kili finds himself being dragged off by a very panicked Dwalin.

Fili frowns. "So, erm. Ahem. Balin has gone missing-"

"Balin's missing?" Asks Oin, concerned.

"We'll find him!" Says Ori.

"But Kili and Dwa-"

"Come on, everyone! Let's find Balin!" Yells Gloin.

"Wait, wait!" Yells Fili, but the dwarves have already been scattered, searching for Balin.

After the fast blurred chaos disappeared as abruptly as it came, Thorin, bewildered, regains his composure and spots the one other dwarf still in the clearing.

"Ccaarree..ttoo..eexxppllaaiin...Ffiillii?"

* * *

><p>They find Balin several yards away. "Brother, you do realize that you considered missing? Come on!" Balin turns around. "Trail's good. We should do well and cover alot of ground." Then he concedes and the three head back.<p>

"Ssoo..tthheenn...tthheeyy..aall..rraann..ooff..?" "Yyeess." Thorin says nothing, and Fili nervously waits. Then Thorin gets up in slow-motion and heads in the direction that Fili pointed out. Slowly. "Sshhoouulldd..hhaavvee..kknnoowwnn..ssoommeetthhiinngg..lliikkee..tthhiiss..wwoouulldd...hhaavvee...hhaappeenneed..wwiitthhoouutt.." he mutters. Fili grins to himself when he hears his uncle and follows him.

Camp is deserted. Kili stares. Dwalin curses. Balin limps over to Fili and Thorin, who are not that far from the camp. "Fili. What happened?" "ThewizardwasgoneandIjustsaidthatyouweremissingandtheywentcrazysonowthereallouttherepleaseforgiveme!" Fili babbles. "Oh, MAHAL!" Dwalin yells, running in a random direction.

Balin hobbles after him, yelling, "Dwalin, stop! Running off is the last thing that we want to do! Get back here!"

"Ffiillii..Kkiillii..ggoo..cclleeaann..uupp..ccaammpp.." Thorin tells his nephews.

"Ok, will..." Supplies are trampled, ponies have broken loose, and packs have been knocked over and scattered. "...Do."

* * *

><p>After what seems like hours of cleaning, they finally get everything organised. Kili falls over against a tree. Fili sits down in the middle of camp, exhausted. Just then, 11 dwarves run in.<p>

"That was awesome!" Yelled Ori.

"Awesome?! _Awesome!? _That bear nearly ate you!" Shrieked Dori.

"You're lucky Gandalf came in time to ward it off." Says Dwalin.

"You gave it a merry chase, lad." Praised Bofur.

Nori shudders. "It was almost as tall as Gandalf."

"Ahh, it wasn't that bad."

"Gloin? Are you sure your head is ok?"

Gloin blushes a lovely shade of pink.

Dwalin smirks. "Lovely butterflies, eh, chap?"

"I wasn't in my right mind!"

"You should've seen yourself. 'ooohh, wook at the pwetty butterfwy.' " Chuckles Oin.

Fili and Kili can only stare, flabbergasted, at the dwarves infront of them.

Then Thorin slowly steps in. "II..wwiillll..rreessuummee..mmyy..dduuttiieess.." He anounces.

"Yyoouu..aarree..nnoott..ffuullyy.." Begins Gandalf.

"Llooookk..aatt..wwhhaatt..hhaappppeenneedd..ttooddaayy.."

While Gandalf and Thorin argue, Fili and Kili turn to the others.

"Thanks for going off and leaving us with the _boring _job." Moans Kili.

"Real smooth. Even _we _know better then that, running off. Never have we done that in our entire lives."

Dwalin whispers something in his ear. "Huh? Ok, except for that time. And that time. And that. And that. Hey, that one doesn't count! Oh wait, it does...Ok, scratch that, we've done that before."

"We were worried about Balin, Fili. Out alone in the forest on that leg-"

Balin cuts Oin off with a withering look.

Gandalf comes up, very disgruntled. Thorin, looking extremely satisfied, makes his way, albeit in slow-motion, to the head of the group.

Fili and Kili are so, so, so, relieved.

They do not cover nearly as much ground(You can probably guess why) but Thorin, for once, does not care.

He is at the front.

**A/N: There is one more chapter, and...heh-heh-heh...some revenge is in order...guess who-o-oo...**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Payback time for the Durins! Thank you, Dojosun, the first part of this chapter is in your honor. :)**

Dwalin, Balin, Fili, and Kili walk through the now familiar streets. Balin knows what happened now. They had decided not to bring along Thorin,despite his protests, Balin felt that Thorin, busy as he was in his duties, would do better to stay back at Erebor. (He also knew that Thorin would not be very happy with the boys at all. Need I say more?) "Look! There's the bench!"

"Yes indeed." Murmurs Balin thoughtfully.

"Are you quite certain these are the names?"

"They are the ones Thorin gave me." Responded Dwalin confidently, remembering how Thorin's eyes flashed and how he had clenched his fists as he recited them. He was very glad they had not brought him along. Balin spotted a small boy on the street.

"Hello, there!" Said Balin, approaching a small boy on the street. The boy glanced up at him. "Do you know someone named Bradley?"

"Nope."

"_Bailey_, Balin."

"Oh, sorry, do you know someone name Bailey?"

"Yeth, thir." Said the boy, mumbling around a heavy lisp. "He liveth right next door to me."

"Can you show us where you live?"

The boy shook his head vigorously. "My Mama thayth that I'm not allowed to show thtrangerth where we live. We might get robbed, you know."

"I could make him talk." Muttered Dwalin to Balin.

"Shhh!" Balin whispered back. He knelt so he was eye level with the boy( Who couldn't have been more then four or five years old) and said kindly, "Well, that's very smart of you, to listen to your Mama like that. Well, could you show us where Bailey lives?"

"I geth I could, Thir." The boy led them back to a small, narrow street lined with houses on both sides.

"That'th Bailey'th howth, right there, next to mine-oopth." He ran into the house to the right of the small wooden house that Bailey presumably lived.

"Kili and Fili will go and look around for the others. Now, Kili. Fili. Listen to me very closely." Kili and Fili lean in. "Fight Fair."

"We will, Balin, we will!" Fili and Kili called jovially as they ran off.

"Now." Said Dwalin. He gave a good hard knock on the door. Whatever Dwalin and Balin expected, it was not the cheerful young woman who smiled at them and said, "Oh, Hello, there! Are you friends of Bailey? You look about his height-oh, no wait, you're _dwarves_! Pardon me! Is there anything I can get for you?" "Er, no, ma'am, actually, it is about Bailey, but-"

"Momma, Momma, may I have a sweet?"

"No, darling."

A young boy, a little older then the previous one they met, ran up to his mother and started pulling on her skirt, asking repeatedly, "May I have a sweet? May I have a sweet?" Every time, his mother answered, "No."

Finally the child stopped and pouted, "Gosh, you're mean Momma. But I'll stop anyway because I love you."

"Oh, no! I don't want you to be sad! Here, have some sweets!" She reached into her pocket and a large handful of pralines.

"Oh, thank you, Momma!" The little boy ran off, gobbling them down.

"No wonder." Muttered Dwalin to Balin. She turned back to them. "All right, so about Bailey?"

"Errr, well, he beat up a dwarf with the help of his friends."

"One of our own." Added Dwalin. "Well, dear goodness! I hope he's alright! Did the dwarf harm him at all?"

"Umm, no, actually, he was better off then his vic-" Balin cursed silently. Apt though the word was, it was not a term Thorin would appreciate.

"Victim? Oh, dear, I'm sorry. Is your friend alright?"

"Yes, ma'am. He's quite alright."

"Well, that's fantastic! Is that all you wanted?"

"Uh-"

Dwalin stepped forward. "We wondering you could punish him appropriately for his lack of respect."

"Punish?"

"Yes. I saw some nice hazel trees on the town outskirts that you could use." He said meaningfully.

"You mean _whip_ him? My _baby_?"

"Sometimes a little bit of force is necessary to reinforce discipline." Said Dwalin gently.

"Of course, I'll keep that in mind." She responded nervously.

"Or you could have your husband do it." Suggested Balin.

"Of course!" She brightened. "I'll ask him. "

"Do you have the addresses for Bailey's friends?" Asked Dwalin.

"Why, yes!" She said.

* * *

><p>Fili and Kili found the kids in the alley where they saw them last, running and screaming in terror from Dwalin's axes. Now they were currently pulling the wings and legs of grasshoppers, and laughing is the squirming bodies tried to right themselves.<p>

"Hey!" Yelled Fili.

"We have a bone to pick with you." Said Kili.

"Come out and fight, Bailey!"

"What for?" Said Bailey cockily, stepping forward out of the gloom. "Oh, some dwarves?" He had a nasty smirk on his face. "Scram. The last dwarf we came across was a retard who took forever even to take one itsy-bitsy step." He kicked out his foot in slow motion to demonstrate. "Beat it."

"HE'S NOT A RETARD!" Kili and Fili yelled in unison. They flew at Bailey and punched him with a passion. They quickly realized something...Bailey was a terrible fighter. Of course. Who else would gang up on someone trapped in slow-motion? That was the only way he would stand a chance.

Well, thought Fili as he landed a punch to the stomach, he's getting what he deserves for his bluff. They leave Bailey gasping, his companions are stunned.

"You think he's as bruised up as Thorin was?" Asks Fili.

"I think so. Gentlemen, take this as a warning." Said Kili, tipping a nonexistent hat. "Don't mess with people that LOOK vulnerable, because their nephews will kick your butts. Good day." Then the two gallant young dwarves strode off into the sunset.

Later

"So then, the poor couple fainted right infront of our very eyes. They had had no idea."

"But there was this one tough looking guy who answered the door and said, "That's me boy!" When he informed him. Naturally, I slapped him to tears."

"Fortunately, no one was watching." Added Balin drily. "Or else Dwalin could have easily gotten arrested."

"Bailey's a coward!" Fili annouces.

"He's a terrible fighter!" Kili interjected.

"You should have seen the look on his face when I asked if he remembered me. He did. He didn't say, but he did."

Fili and Kili might as well have been struck by lightening. "UNCLE THORIN?! When did you get here? We thought you were back at Erebor!"

Balin and Dwalin are just as flabbergasted. "What-how-"

"As soon as you left, I followed you about a day behind. I told Oin I wasn't feeling well, then snuck out and got moving."

"But-but-but-but-" Stutter Fili and Kili in shock.

Thorin looked insulted. "Don't you know that a king's pride is never fully salvaged until he stares his enemy in the eye himself? You fought the good fight-(retard! That bastard) but some of it I had to do as well."

Fili and Kili think about this for a second.

"I guess we have a lot to learn." Says Kili, staring up at his uncle in awe.

"Yeah." Said Fili, looking at Thorin with equal admiration.

_But that is in the future. Right now, Erebor has not been reclaimed. The journey is not complete. Let us return to the present..._

* * *

><p>It took eight days for Thorin II Oakensheild to recover from the incident with Gandalf's staff, which trapped him in slow motion.<p>

All of them knew when it happened.

But only Thorin and Gandalf knew why Thorin woke his company up very early, and hurried of while Gandalf was still slumbering.

And as Gandalf puffed and cursed, and ran to catch up, he realized he had come to regret that day in the forest one week ago.

No matter how necessary it was, he reminded himself as he tripped in his haste.


End file.
